I took a test on someone else's blog to see how Orthodox one is. Apparently, I am mostly Right Wing Modern Orthodox. Who knew? These were my scores:
For: Left Wing Modern Orthodox
9% scored higher, and
90% scored lower.
The average Raw Score is: 28.9, your's was: 56.
For: Right Wing Modern Orthodox
14% scored higher, and
83% scored lower.
The average Raw Score is: 43.6, your's was: 58.
For: Left Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi
85% scored higher, and
13% scored lower.
The average Raw Score is: 39.8, your's was: 26.
For: Right Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi
88% scored higher, and
9% scored lower.
The average Raw Score is: 25.3, your's was: 5.
News to me! I'll try to remember this next time I am at a restaurant or going on a big date! ;)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, November 8, 2008
What My Taste in Art Says About Me
A friend had me join OK Cupid in order to see his ex-girlfriend's (from some 2 years ago) profile. I never bothered with it besides that but then after getting an e-mail from someone on it I began to look into it. They have all kinds of quizzes in case I get tired of Facebook quizzes. This one seemed interesting:
Truth be told, I think this sounds about right!
Your result for What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test...
Simple, Progressive, and Sensual
18 Ukiyo-e, 8 Islamic, -2 Impressionist, 2 Cubist, -11 Abstract and -9 Renaissance!
Ukiyo-e (浮世絵, Ukiyo-e), "pictures of the floating world", is a genre of Japaneseand paintings produced between the 17th and the 20th centuries. it mostly featured landscapes, historic tales, theatre, and pleasure. Ukiyo is a rather impetuous urban culture that has bloomed in popularity. Although the Japanese were more strict and had many prohibitions it did not affect the rising merchant class and therefore became a floating art form that did not bind itself to the normal ideals of society.
People that chose Ukiyo-e art tend to be more simplistic yet elegant. They don't care much about new style but are comfortable in creating their own. They like the idea of living for the moment and enjoy giving and receiving pleasure. They may be more agreeable than other people and do not like to argue. They do not mind following traditions but are not afraid to move forward to experience other ideas in life. They tend to enjoy nature and the outdoors. They do not mind being more adventurous in their sexual experiences. They enjoy being popular and like being noticed. They have their own unique style of dress and of presenting themselves. They may also tend to be more business oriented or at the very least interested in money making adventures. They might make good entrepreneurs. They are progressive and adaptable.
Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test at HelloQuizzy
Truth be told, I think this sounds about right!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Going There
I have had many conversations about this subject over the years. As one who has always been open to dating non-Black men I have always had to defend my right to date who I want. Now finally teh rest of the country and especially teh rest of teh Black community is catching up with me, as we see in teh following issue of Essence, teh primier Black women's magazine:
Looking for Mr. White
Looking for Mr. White
Dee Depass
Last fall Tara, a writer in Detroit, decided to try something new: dating a White guy. The attraction? "He was Jon Stewart-ish, had a sense of humor, was liberal and smart," explains the 39-year-old. More important, he seemed like a viable option. "The older you get, the more open you become to the possibility of love," says Tara. "I would like love to come in a certain form or color. But at the same time I realize that the population of eligible Black men is getting smaller. So I'm open."
And apparently so are many other sisters. We polled more than a thousand of you. Nearly half of those surveyed on essence.com (45 percent) say you've been involved in an interracial relationship. And for those of you who haven't, it's clearly not for lack of opportunities: Seventy percent of you say you've been asked out by a White guy. "One of my friends decided that Something New, that Sanaa Lathan movie in which her character falls for a White guy, was her signal to start pursuing White men and accepting their offers," says Aisha, 20, a junior at the University of Minnesota. "Now, instead of looking for an IBM-Ideal Black Man-she says she's looking for an IWM."
Cream in Your Coffee?
Your mom may prefer you to bring home a man who looks like your dad. But these days if you don't, she'll probably just smile and ask him his name (instead of calling him one). Interracial couples are far more common than they were a few decades ago; in fact, they've increased fourfold since the sixties. The U.S. census revealed that there were 116,000 marriages between Black women and White men and about 279,000 marriages between Black men and White women in 2002. Numbers for unmarried couples are hard to come by, but sociologists agree there's been a dramatic increase since 1980.
"I have White friends who date Black women, Black friends who date White women, Asian and Latino. You name it," says Aaron, 31, a brother from Eagan, Minnesota. "It's always been a multicultural experience between Blacks and Whites. It's what I grew up with."
In fact, a whopping 81 percent of readers say they aren't fazed at all when they see a Black woman with a White man. Flip the script, though, and it's a different story. Fifty-three percent of you disapprove when you see a Black man with a White woman. "Sisters looked like they wanted to beat me down," says Richard, 47, a financial marketing specialist in Pasadena, California. "When I'm with a sister, I'm ignored. But the second I get a White woman on my arm, I get ‘the look.' " Successful brothers like Richard who make the choice to "cross over" may draw additional ire because of the perceived notion among some sisters that Black men who have "made it" tend to prefer non-Black mates. High-profile couples could also influence sisters' feelings here. Yeah, we're cool with Halle switching from marrying Black men to dating Gabriel Aubry, a White model. But Kobe, Tiger, Terrence and Taye? Hmmm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What they don't mention here is that Black men are just as guilty of this kind of double standard. WHen I was in college I was oh, so madly in infatuation with this very fair complexioned redhead from Idaho. The Black men in my class gave me so much shit and yet within a few months they were closely palling around and sleeping wioth white women. Puh-lease!
Looking for Mr. White
Looking for Mr. White
Dee Depass
Last fall Tara, a writer in Detroit, decided to try something new: dating a White guy. The attraction? "He was Jon Stewart-ish, had a sense of humor, was liberal and smart," explains the 39-year-old. More important, he seemed like a viable option. "The older you get, the more open you become to the possibility of love," says Tara. "I would like love to come in a certain form or color. But at the same time I realize that the population of eligible Black men is getting smaller. So I'm open."
And apparently so are many other sisters. We polled more than a thousand of you. Nearly half of those surveyed on essence.com (45 percent) say you've been involved in an interracial relationship. And for those of you who haven't, it's clearly not for lack of opportunities: Seventy percent of you say you've been asked out by a White guy. "One of my friends decided that Something New, that Sanaa Lathan movie in which her character falls for a White guy, was her signal to start pursuing White men and accepting their offers," says Aisha, 20, a junior at the University of Minnesota. "Now, instead of looking for an IBM-Ideal Black Man-she says she's looking for an IWM."
Cream in Your Coffee?
Your mom may prefer you to bring home a man who looks like your dad. But these days if you don't, she'll probably just smile and ask him his name (instead of calling him one). Interracial couples are far more common than they were a few decades ago; in fact, they've increased fourfold since the sixties. The U.S. census revealed that there were 116,000 marriages between Black women and White men and about 279,000 marriages between Black men and White women in 2002. Numbers for unmarried couples are hard to come by, but sociologists agree there's been a dramatic increase since 1980.
"I have White friends who date Black women, Black friends who date White women, Asian and Latino. You name it," says Aaron, 31, a brother from Eagan, Minnesota. "It's always been a multicultural experience between Blacks and Whites. It's what I grew up with."
In fact, a whopping 81 percent of readers say they aren't fazed at all when they see a Black woman with a White man. Flip the script, though, and it's a different story. Fifty-three percent of you disapprove when you see a Black man with a White woman. "Sisters looked like they wanted to beat me down," says Richard, 47, a financial marketing specialist in Pasadena, California. "When I'm with a sister, I'm ignored. But the second I get a White woman on my arm, I get ‘the look.' " Successful brothers like Richard who make the choice to "cross over" may draw additional ire because of the perceived notion among some sisters that Black men who have "made it" tend to prefer non-Black mates. High-profile couples could also influence sisters' feelings here. Yeah, we're cool with Halle switching from marrying Black men to dating Gabriel Aubry, a White model. But Kobe, Tiger, Terrence and Taye? Hmmm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What they don't mention here is that Black men are just as guilty of this kind of double standard. WHen I was in college I was oh, so madly in infatuation with this very fair complexioned redhead from Idaho. The Black men in my class gave me so much shit and yet within a few months they were closely palling around and sleeping wioth white women. Puh-lease!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
You Did This to Your Parents (and they will get their revenge)
For all the years of indoctrination women especially receive encouraging them to want and enjoy marriage and especially motherhood, I have to say it is particularly scary to read and hear about how unhappy so many people are with not just marriage but ESPECIALLY parenthood. I mean, I can deal with marriage, I think. Marry a great, fun, caring and responsible guy and more or less have a ball for the rest of your life. Then you hear that the minute they had kids their lives went to shit. Your married with children friends and relatives all blatantly tell you how they envy your unencumbered lifestyle. They say they love their kids but hate their lives since having kids. It starts to make you ask yourself how do people NOT resent their kids for essentially ruining their lives (as they basically say has been the case). Or are these people perhaps not being honest with you or themselves? It really starts to makes you question why bother having kids. Especially when you read things like this:
SOMEONE SPEAKS THE TRUTH HERE:
NOTE THE OBLIGATORY "I LOVEMY KIDS AND ALL THAT..."
PART OF ME FEARS ENDING UP LIKETHIS WOMAN:
I am not the most maternal type. I used to be when I was in high school and college, but all that was put to rest when I had a housemate in his mid-30s and in the middle of a divorce who had his two kids (both under age 2) over at our house every Saturday afternoon. It was cute for a few weeks but after a while it felt like SUCH an imposition, SUCH a pain in the ass that I would do anything to not be in the house on Saturday afternoon so I would not have to see and hear these kids as they took over our living room. Even if I wanted to chill at home on a Saturday afternoon I would find a reason to get out (come to think of it, that might be part of the reason why I was so good about going to shul on Saturdays back then).
Even now sometimes I cringe when I am around too many small children (not to mention the effects on their parents). One interesting thing I have noted is that in the vast majority of the married couples I know with kids, it seems that the husband wanted kids more than the wife and therefore the husband is more involved. This seems to be as it should be.
And so knowing kids can have an effect like this on a marriage (and I have had men vent to me personally that their relationships with their wives (who were often long time girlfriends) went to shit the minute they had kids because it's like they don't matter and on the flipside I had the wife of a friend (who just had a baby maybe 2 or 3 months earlier) that in a choice betwen her hisband and her new kid she would choose the kid. I was dismayed, as her husband was a friend of mine of sorts and a nice, quiet guy who I found attractive but a little to mellow for me. I was glad to see him happily married off. Now the wife says she can essentially do without him now that she has a kid. I chalked it up to postpartum hormones and when things stabilize she will be back into her husband again.
I will say this: I SWEAR TO G-D ON THIS VERY ROSH HASHANA THAT I WILL ALWAYS PUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND FIRST, SHOULD I MERIT MEETING SOMEONE WITH WHOM I WILL MARRY AND HAVE KIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE. Lord knows I have an idea as to what it's like as a single mother, having been raised by one myself. I would rather not have to raise a kid alone (not to mention multiple children - Jeez). To those ends, I want to marry a guy who will be fun (yet responsible, caring and all the rest) so as to help me actualize such a marriage and not lead me down the path of soul-killing suburban domesticity. I want to travel and go to plays and catch live music - with a husband who is as enthusiastic about these things as I am, and for the rest of our lives no matter how old our kids are. I will do my best to make my husband feel like he matters every step of the way.
That being said, I have no intention of being a submissive housewife.
To achieve ends like this one cannot have a huge number of kids, which is why I am for an absolute maximum of 3 kids (and that is allowing for an unplanned pregnancy or twins).
With all this being said I don't want to end up like people I have known, including some family members who never married and never had kids. My aunt Donna seemed bitter the last few years of her life and seemed to regret not having kids. She is said to have even apologized to my grandmother on her deathbed for not having kids. Then there was my Uncle Raymond who died pretty much exactly 2 years ago (during Rosh HaShana of 2006) at age 97 having never married of had kids. Most of the 20 or so people at his funeral were essentially distant relatives who barely knew him. His eulogy was relatively vague, almost like a resume. My mother looked after his health - but she was his sister's granddaughter - because she was basically all he had. I sat there at his funeral and swore that I didn't want to end up like that - dead and no one at your funeral really knows you that well, and having your sent back to a "home" country where nobody really knows you either, because your closest relatives are dead and you have no descendants of your own. I ask myself how he dealt with that internally growing up in a time when everyone got married and had kids no matter how poor they were. Then there were people I met through a professional organization I used to volunteer with where the president of the chapter was wracked with insecurities and ambivalence about marriage and children and realizing I didn't want to end up like her. I might feel like having kids is more of is duty than something I actively want to do, but I believe it will help me manage my expectations of exactly how happy having kids will make me.
I still don't really look forward to it. The happiest mothers I have ever met were those that waited good and long to have kids, after they had sown their wild oats in life. They were ready for the giving necessary to be a good mother. For this reason I am not so terribly worried about getting married and having kids just yet and feel like I still have some time to have fun. I think, if I want to psychoanalyze myself, that it starts with not being overly enamored with dolls and toy dish sets and tea sets when I was a kid. I have never obsessed about my future fantasy wedding as apparently most little girls do. I found that dolls got really boring really quickly and I sense motherhood will get boring about as quickly as the dolls did.
With that being said, it seems nature has set us up to propagate the species when we are young, stupid and horny. By the time you realize what you've gotten into it is too late.
Regret says:
15 months ago
Thanks for emailing me this link. Long article with a lot of good ground covered. No one wants to admit the things you are pointing to in this. but you are right Veronica. This is good. When I had kids I didn't think it through. I regret everything. Now I'm stuck. I hate my life. I have been planning to leave. What do I have to lose to try to talk to her honestly about it. I am going to take this advice and give it a shot. It can't get worse, right?
Blink182 says:
14 months ago
My wife and I read your blog Veronica and we have been looking at your hubpages now too. My wife didn't like this article. When I asked her why she couldn't give me a real reason. I think it just angered her in general that this is true. Of all the married men with kids I know, I can name only 2 that knew what they were getting into when they had kids. So many of them have affairs now. Most of them are just miserable. It's this unspoken thing in our circles. Everyone knows how terribly unhappy everyone else is. Everyone wanted different things in life that aren't going to happen now because of the decision to have kids. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it's the way it is. It's true. The guys I know having affairs would not be seeking union elsewhere had they not had kids. Like you explained they had a very romanticized idea of what would happen. Life changes in every way after you have kids. Your wife changes in every way. I'm the first to admit my wife and I love our kids but we didn't know how much things would change. If I knew then what I know now I would have made some very different decisions. I'm not happy with my life and I know I could be happier. That's not to say I'm going to do anything stupid. I will deal with my decisions and follow them through because it's the right thing to do. But I understand why so many men just can't. Bravo to you for not defending them, just explaining what's going on. Just the fact that my wife wouldn't face the truth of this article and reacted with anger and dislike shows how far some women's heads are stuck in the sand about this. This article is a very hard to face truth that represents the majority.
Robroy says:
14 months ago
I would give anything to have my life back again. I'm exactly what this is about. I am fucking miserable. I can't talk to my wife about it. I hate my life.
Mrs. Lost says:
14 months ago
I am the female version of exactly this article. I am a 41 year old married mother of 2. I knew having kids would be a big change but in no way did I know just how much so. I love my children but I am so unhappy. There is no time for me anymore. I have lost myself. I used to be a person and now I feel like nothing. The children suck the life out of us. Nobody tells you how awful it is. I see how my husband changed and how our relationship changed but now I see how I changed too. There is no romance. We are too tired from homework and cleaning and fighting and having to do everything for the children all the time. We used to go to plays and museums. We used to have vacations and long talks. We used to not worry so much about money. We used to sleep in on weekends. We used to take care of our appearances and we used to enjoy life. Now we don't do any of that anymore. I am this cranky tired bitch all the time. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate my life. I feel trapped. I read this article with how men find escape in affairs. I say to these men if you are as awfully miserable as I am and you find any happiness anywhere then you should go for it. I would give anything to like myself and be happy again.
SOMEONE SPEAKS THE TRUTH HERE:
Mets Fan says:
12 months ago
I had a girlfriend in college that I loved very much. She didn't want to have children and my parents made her out to be some kind of weirdo because of it. I broke up with her over it and married a girl I met at work a few years later. My wife and I have 2 kids. My parents asked me all the time, when are you going to make us grandparents, when are you going to have kids. Not once did they ever ask me, are you ready to have kids, do you know whats involved. The pressure of them asking all the time was immense. They always made me feel like having kids was something every body did and I had to do it too. They made me feel like the woman I truly loved was wrong for her decision. They pressured me into the situation I am in now. Kids change everything. No one warned me or taught me anything about this. I'm just expected now to not want to go out anymore, to give up every night to homework, to give up every weekend to all their activities. It's not their fault but I resent them for taking my life away from me. I can't do any of the things I used to enjoy. I work hard and make good money but I never have any because of the kids. My wife is an excellent mother which is why I married her. She loved kids and wanted to have them. My parents pressed it into me that that was the only quality that mattered in a woman. We don't have sex, we never talk. I can't stand to be around her. She looks awful because she takes no time on herself at all. She can't talk about anything but the kids. I resent my parents for being so irresponsible with the pressure on me to have kids and for never ever teaching me how hard it was to raise kids. I resent my wife and my kids. I feel stupid for letting all these people push me and make decisions for me. I hate that I never thought for myself. I hate my life. I hate coming home from work, I hate spending time with my kids. I hate when I have to speak to my wife. I'm not having an affair but I would if I found a woman that wanted to. I love my kids but if I had it to do all over again knowing what I know now I would never have had them. I would not have listened to my parents. I would not have married my wife. I would have married the woman I really loved and I would be happy, much happier than I will ever be being a father. One more thing, I talk about this with different men I work with or know from the gym or from college. Many of them are in similar situations as me as far as having kids and the way their wives are and many of them feel like I do about it. I am by far the worst and I think it's because of my parents.
Stacey says:
7 months ago
I totally agree with Pipedreamer...
Life could be easier if the men would also stop thinking about themselves and see how it effects their wives. I have been a stay at home mom to 3 children ages 4, 6, and 7 since day one. I did understand what was expected of me when I had children and I knew that it wasn't going to be a fairly tale life. I don't think my husband did though. I am very lonely and am in need of a change in my life (I am considering going back to school or getting a part time job somewhere). I am stuck in a rut. We moved out of state and I don't know anybody and it has been hard to meet new people. I am stuck cleaning and dealing with 3 kids day in and day out with no real support and nobody to talk to. I would like it if my husband came home and actually helped me out instead he gets on the computer or sits on the couch and watches me. Which of course infuriates me. Then he expects me to rub his feet or "love" him and what do I get in return??? NOTHING! There is no reciprication of "love" back. I am sorry, but I do this every minute of the day with the kids. I want to be "loved" without feeling like it is a job from him. I just want to sit and zone out on the couch for a change damn it! I feel like he is a 4 th child, who is very selfish. Isn't being in a loving relationship a two way street. It sure would be nice if I got attention and help more often. Doesn't a man understand that if you show someone that they mean something, you will get more return on the "love" investment. I am at the point where I don't even want to show him affection. I am tired of being dismissed. I work my ass off all day long, and I am sure he does too. But he should come home and work with me equally for the kids, he needs to understand that the job of father happens when he walks in the door. Not the job of couch potato/observer. Maybe wives could be happier. I can certainly say I for one am very lonely and would love a partner. I have told many people that I am just a single mom with a paycheck.
NOTE THE OBLIGATORY "I LOVEMY KIDS AND ALL THAT..."
Tim says:
5 months ago
Veronica you really nailed this topic. I have no idea why everyone thinks you should automatically have kids. This article should be required reading in high schools. It is a huge decision, and one of the only completely irreversible decisions you make in your life. It goes on and on.
I have 2 kids and I love them and all that. But if I had known what hell this would be I would never have done this. I see in the comments some of the ladies saying what about the unhappy wife. I remember when my circle of friends started getting married and having kids. I remember talking about it with my wife as we watched each one as the wife would change. I mean totally change. And the husband wouldn't change. I think it's him NOT changing that is as much of the problem as it is HER changing. Kids change everything. Maybe thats the angle - she rolls with it and he doesn't. We watched as all the women in our group of friends changed their appearance, their priorities, thier likes and dislikes. It w as horrible, I didnt even want them as friends anymore. And we watched as all those husbands were more and more miuserable, not changing at all. Not changing thier lives or at least not wanting to, for the children they had.
Despite watching ALL of our friends become miserable and shitty and have affairs and fall apart, for some dumb reason we just went along with the american model plan, and we had kids too. I think back to that now and can't believe i could ever be that stupid. Now we are in t he exact same place. My wife is completely changed. And I'm not. I'm like the commentor that says he dreads coming home at night. I can't stand to be in our house.
I've had 4 affairs in the past 3 years. My little brother told me tonight that he and his wife are trying to have kids. That's what promted my internet search. How the hell do you tell someone that you truly believe with every inch of your soul that having kids is the biggest mistake of your life?
Sexy Texan says:
5 months ago
I am recently separated from a wonderful husband/person/friend but I realized after almost 9 years of marriage that things weren't working. It wasn't a 'Eureka' moment or anything but after a big fight one night, I realized how unhappy I was and things needed to change....
YES, it was scarey...YES, the thought of being alone worried me but after all was said and done, I am SSSSSSOOOOOO happy to be single again! I can look back now and see how unhappy I was. I really let myself go, too...I put on ALOT of weight, I didn't care about my appearance, I let go of my interests and hobbies....I had a miscarriage early on in our marriage and I have to say that I am very happy that I did have a miscarriage. I am not motherly AT ALL! Most women are, not me. It was hard to leave the relationship but I have to say..........
I AM SO HAPPY NOW because I am now happy! I am single again and LOVING IT!!! I get to do what I want, when I want and with whom I want! I am so thankful that I am not 'stuck' in a relationship because that was not for me. I do not mean to put anyone down or make anyone feel bad but if you are miserable, you really need to weigh your options. I know that having kids can certainly affect any decisions you might make but your own happiness should mean something, too.
I hate being a mother. I am a single mom of a wonderful 9 year old who I love, but at the same time I HATE having to be what I never wanted to be...a mother.
Is it normal to often hate being a mother?
I am someone who never wanted kids, but have two now, a baby and a 3 year old. I spent my 20s enjoying a fab career, and time with my husband doing all manner of things which we enjoyed. We had kids after 10 years together, because it seemed the thing to do - but I never had maternal urges.
To cut a long story short, I find doing kiddie things so boring. I find being with mumsy types really dull as they only talk about kids, and I find the challenges of parenting overwhelming. My life is really awful now, and I feel so cross with myself as I KNEW being a mother would be like this. Obviously it's not the kids' fault....I'm on maternity leave for another 9 mths and the time can't go more quickly so I can get back to my job in journalism. How can I try and enjoy being a parent more?
PART OF ME FEARS ENDING UP LIKETHIS WOMAN:
HI NOT EVERITING IN LIFE IS ALWAYS HAPPINESS
I AM GOING FOR THE SAME SITUTION I LOVE MY BABY BUT I HATE BEEN A MOM , I was single enjoing my job ,traveling, partyng etc... but my mom , family & friends, put in my head that I was already 36 & I need to setle and have a child ,BIG MISTAKE. people forget that not everyone was born to be a Doctor, to be a teacher, or to be a Parent, and not because you married u need to have kids.
I tried to continue my carrier with her now but is so much harder I love her but i wish some one would came to me before i told me that it was ok if I did not had children but now is too late. I tell evrery cuple that really Have and LOVEEEE a demanding carrier not to have any children because you will be leaving your drem job or leaving your kids with the baby sitter
I too love my baby to death and do everithing so I can to spend time with her but that cost me my dream job ( International field Reporter)
I am not the most maternal type. I used to be when I was in high school and college, but all that was put to rest when I had a housemate in his mid-30s and in the middle of a divorce who had his two kids (both under age 2) over at our house every Saturday afternoon. It was cute for a few weeks but after a while it felt like SUCH an imposition, SUCH a pain in the ass that I would do anything to not be in the house on Saturday afternoon so I would not have to see and hear these kids as they took over our living room. Even if I wanted to chill at home on a Saturday afternoon I would find a reason to get out (come to think of it, that might be part of the reason why I was so good about going to shul on Saturdays back then).
Even now sometimes I cringe when I am around too many small children (not to mention the effects on their parents). One interesting thing I have noted is that in the vast majority of the married couples I know with kids, it seems that the husband wanted kids more than the wife and therefore the husband is more involved. This seems to be as it should be.
And so knowing kids can have an effect like this on a marriage (and I have had men vent to me personally that their relationships with their wives (who were often long time girlfriends) went to shit the minute they had kids because it's like they don't matter and on the flipside I had the wife of a friend (who just had a baby maybe 2 or 3 months earlier) that in a choice betwen her hisband and her new kid she would choose the kid. I was dismayed, as her husband was a friend of mine of sorts and a nice, quiet guy who I found attractive but a little to mellow for me. I was glad to see him happily married off. Now the wife says she can essentially do without him now that she has a kid. I chalked it up to postpartum hormones and when things stabilize she will be back into her husband again.
I will say this: I SWEAR TO G-D ON THIS VERY ROSH HASHANA THAT I WILL ALWAYS PUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND FIRST, SHOULD I MERIT MEETING SOMEONE WITH WHOM I WILL MARRY AND HAVE KIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE. Lord knows I have an idea as to what it's like as a single mother, having been raised by one myself. I would rather not have to raise a kid alone (not to mention multiple children - Jeez). To those ends, I want to marry a guy who will be fun (yet responsible, caring and all the rest) so as to help me actualize such a marriage and not lead me down the path of soul-killing suburban domesticity. I want to travel and go to plays and catch live music - with a husband who is as enthusiastic about these things as I am, and for the rest of our lives no matter how old our kids are. I will do my best to make my husband feel like he matters every step of the way.
That being said, I have no intention of being a submissive housewife.
To achieve ends like this one cannot have a huge number of kids, which is why I am for an absolute maximum of 3 kids (and that is allowing for an unplanned pregnancy or twins).
With all this being said I don't want to end up like people I have known, including some family members who never married and never had kids. My aunt Donna seemed bitter the last few years of her life and seemed to regret not having kids. She is said to have even apologized to my grandmother on her deathbed for not having kids. Then there was my Uncle Raymond who died pretty much exactly 2 years ago (during Rosh HaShana of 2006) at age 97 having never married of had kids. Most of the 20 or so people at his funeral were essentially distant relatives who barely knew him. His eulogy was relatively vague, almost like a resume. My mother looked after his health - but she was his sister's granddaughter - because she was basically all he had. I sat there at his funeral and swore that I didn't want to end up like that - dead and no one at your funeral really knows you that well, and having your sent back to a "home" country where nobody really knows you either, because your closest relatives are dead and you have no descendants of your own. I ask myself how he dealt with that internally growing up in a time when everyone got married and had kids no matter how poor they were. Then there were people I met through a professional organization I used to volunteer with where the president of the chapter was wracked with insecurities and ambivalence about marriage and children and realizing I didn't want to end up like her. I might feel like having kids is more of is duty than something I actively want to do, but I believe it will help me manage my expectations of exactly how happy having kids will make me.
I still don't really look forward to it. The happiest mothers I have ever met were those that waited good and long to have kids, after they had sown their wild oats in life. They were ready for the giving necessary to be a good mother. For this reason I am not so terribly worried about getting married and having kids just yet and feel like I still have some time to have fun. I think, if I want to psychoanalyze myself, that it starts with not being overly enamored with dolls and toy dish sets and tea sets when I was a kid. I have never obsessed about my future fantasy wedding as apparently most little girls do. I found that dolls got really boring really quickly and I sense motherhood will get boring about as quickly as the dolls did.
With that being said, it seems nature has set us up to propagate the species when we are young, stupid and horny. By the time you realize what you've gotten into it is too late.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Cutesy Marketing Ploy/Sign of the Times
I passed this on the way home and thought it was a cute way to use the awful and scary economic news to try and generate sales. Forget for a minute how totally unproductive it is to try to get people worried about money to buy shoes (and their shoes aren't so cheap).
Still, I had to get a picture...
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Hello, again...
I know it has been a long time. Since my last posting I moved out of my mother's apartment (I think the apartment search started in earnest shortly after the last post was written), lost the job I had and then quickly by the grace of G-d (and my boss) I found another one at a bigger better real estate firm. I think I may very well be on my way in life...
In the meantime I put up a new playlist with nearly 50 cool tracks to check out. You are most likely hearing music from this playlist right now (if you have your speakers on). It's below the links on the right hand side, courtesy of my friend David of Someone in a Tree.
In the meantime I put up a new playlist with nearly 50 cool tracks to check out. You are most likely hearing music from this playlist right now (if you have your speakers on). It's below the links on the right hand side, courtesy of my friend David of Someone in a Tree.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Letter to Reagan
One of the "benefits", if you will, of living with one's parents is stumbling upon forgotten childhood memorabilia. So tonight I knocked over an old electronic typewriter that was waiting (and waiting, and waiting) to be thrown out. I noticed some papers and took them out. Lo and behold what did I find but a letter I wrote to Reagan shortly after the Challenger Disaster, as well as an essay I wrote for my application to Dartmouth, where I said the person I admire most is Michael Dukakis. No wonder I didn't get in! Incidentally, maybe 2 years later I wrote a letter to Dukakis in the last 2 or 3 weeks before the 1988 election urging him to own and be proud of the word "liberal" and to remind the public that the Founding Fathers were the liberals of their time, etc. He wrote back and appeared to actually take the advice but it was too late.
Anyway, this letter I wrote (but don't remember sending) to Reagan is very interesting and even prescient in a way. What is unnerving is how I sound like such a mom-and-apple-pie good little Republican. I was such a good patriot back then. I used to clap my hands and chant "USA!, USA!" Then I grew up and went to college and never really looked back. Anyway, I got a good laugh out of it and I share it here for you as well. My G-d, I was SUCH a different person back then.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
February 10, 1986
Dear Mr. President:
Two weeks ago when the shuttle tragedy occurred, an idea surfaced that had been in the back of my mind for a week before this fatal accident. The idea was to send a
spacecraft similar to Voyager II that studied Uranus into other galaxies, such as Andromeda, with the potential of discovering life on other planets. If the United States can be the first country on the moon, we can be first to explore other galaxies around us.
Because this idea may sound far-fetched or idealistic, you may decide to discard this letter. if you do, you will be throwing away the dream of a young American. My dream is really a vision, a vision of rising into the heavens, then walking through space, exploring other galaxies, and also seeking the ends of space, if there are any.
Of course, this is impossible for a human, but with technology and determination, we as a country can fulfill this dream through NASA's space program. Please consider my suggestion and have NASA consider it as well.
Sincerely,
Malaika Martin
P.S.
In matters concerning Earth, it has crossed my mind why we seem to have so many enemies. This is such a great country with our Constitution and how for every country inthe world, there is a group from that country living here in America, that it seems to me that a good deal of, if not all of our enemies are envious of our system of justice. Like jealous children, who would call the better offperson names , they stage terrorist attacks against innocent Americans. If they dislike having Israel being "carved out" of their countries, theyshould choose a leader and peacefully confront our government. It would save a lot more lives.
As for the Russians, we have done nothing to them, why do they dislike us so much? The Soviets and the Americans used to be allies, what happened? The only logical answer is that they are jealous of our system and that thousands, if not millions of people from all overthe world, including their country, move to America, yet, seemingly none move to Russia.
Also, as another analogy, one can compare the United States and its situation to the life of Jesus Christ. He was such a good man, yet, had so many enemies.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Lord have mercy. This letter is a real hoot as well as rather unnerving. Surprising as it may sound I was NOT a Republican supporter back then but I certainly sound like a hardcore Bush voter in this letter. I basically went from being a somewhat Conservative believing Christian who could pass as a Republican to a Jew who was flirting with Socialism within 5 years. I still have a copy of the Communist Manifesto that I bought in Harvard Square (I believe at Revolution Books on Mass. Ave) shortly after I graduated from college.
But some things never change. I have always been pro-Israel. At the time when I wrote this letter I would have said, "Why don't the Arabs just step aside and make room for the Jews?" After all, if Muslims supposedly believe in the Bible and what it says, it is clear that Jews do belong there, that G-d is backing them up and so it is of no use to protest, or kidnap people or hijack planes.
What is particularly unnerving is how my assertion that everyone is jealous of how fabulous America is sounds eerily like the patriotic rhetoric that gets bandied about during discussions of September 11th and Al-Qaeda.
Still, it's great to see tha a kid was civic minded enough to write a letter to the President. Now, it seems all so much like writing a letter to Santa Claus.
Anyway, this letter I wrote (but don't remember sending) to Reagan is very interesting and even prescient in a way. What is unnerving is how I sound like such a mom-and-apple-pie good little Republican. I was such a good patriot back then. I used to clap my hands and chant "USA!, USA!" Then I grew up and went to college and never really looked back. Anyway, I got a good laugh out of it and I share it here for you as well. My G-d, I was SUCH a different person back then.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
February 10, 1986
Dear Mr. President:
Two weeks ago when the shuttle tragedy occurred, an idea surfaced that had been in the back of my mind for a week before this fatal accident. The idea was to send a
spacecraft similar to Voyager II that studied Uranus into other galaxies, such as Andromeda, with the potential of discovering life on other planets. If the United States can be the first country on the moon, we can be first to explore other galaxies around us.
Because this idea may sound far-fetched or idealistic, you may decide to discard this letter. if you do, you will be throwing away the dream of a young American. My dream is really a vision, a vision of rising into the heavens, then walking through space, exploring other galaxies, and also seeking the ends of space, if there are any.
Of course, this is impossible for a human, but with technology and determination, we as a country can fulfill this dream through NASA's space program. Please consider my suggestion and have NASA consider it as well.
Sincerely,
Malaika Martin
P.S.
In matters concerning Earth, it has crossed my mind why we seem to have so many enemies. This is such a great country with our Constitution and how for every country inthe world, there is a group from that country living here in America, that it seems to me that a good deal of, if not all of our enemies are envious of our system of justice. Like jealous children, who would call the better offperson names , they stage terrorist attacks against innocent Americans. If they dislike having Israel being "carved out" of their countries, theyshould choose a leader and peacefully confront our government. It would save a lot more lives.
As for the Russians, we have done nothing to them, why do they dislike us so much? The Soviets and the Americans used to be allies, what happened? The only logical answer is that they are jealous of our system and that thousands, if not millions of people from all overthe world, including their country, move to America, yet, seemingly none move to Russia.
Also, as another analogy, one can compare the United States and its situation to the life of Jesus Christ. He was such a good man, yet, had so many enemies.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Lord have mercy. This letter is a real hoot as well as rather unnerving. Surprising as it may sound I was NOT a Republican supporter back then but I certainly sound like a hardcore Bush voter in this letter. I basically went from being a somewhat Conservative believing Christian who could pass as a Republican to a Jew who was flirting with Socialism within 5 years. I still have a copy of the Communist Manifesto that I bought in Harvard Square (I believe at Revolution Books on Mass. Ave) shortly after I graduated from college.
But some things never change. I have always been pro-Israel. At the time when I wrote this letter I would have said, "Why don't the Arabs just step aside and make room for the Jews?" After all, if Muslims supposedly believe in the Bible and what it says, it is clear that Jews do belong there, that G-d is backing them up and so it is of no use to protest, or kidnap people or hijack planes.
What is particularly unnerving is how my assertion that everyone is jealous of how fabulous America is sounds eerily like the patriotic rhetoric that gets bandied about during discussions of September 11th and Al-Qaeda.
Still, it's great to see tha a kid was civic minded enough to write a letter to the President. Now, it seems all so much like writing a letter to Santa Claus.
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